I HATED Beauty. But, I (eventually) learned: I was missing the Blessing.

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I was a Junior in High School

when I first encountered ‘on a Grecian Urn’ by John Keats,

and it drove me nuts:

“

Beauty is truth, truth beauty,— that is all

Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.

”
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Let me back up and give some background:

I was an agnostic, “because I had enough humility not to be an atheist”.

I was ALL about LOVE, how to give & receive it, how to LIVE it.

I was ALL about TRUTH, how to find it, unpack it, grok it, LIVE it.
…

I was enamored with LOVE & TRUTH,

I thought this pair could save me;

help me live my most true, whole, delicious & contributive Life.
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LOVE & TRUTH were gods to me.

I happily worshipped.
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I read a lot, thought a lot, seeking Wisdom.

I collected quotes, aphorisms, insights…
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Then I found this non-sense poem – ridiculous… wasn’t it?

This guy doesn’t make any sense! right?

Lots of folks thought he had something here, but it was absurd…
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Well, it took the better part of a lifetime,

but I found Keats was Right.
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It took me ~ a decade or so, to start to get it.

Another ~ decade or so, to get it.

Another ~ decade or so, to start to receive the Blessing.

Another ~ decade or so, to REALLY Delight in the Blessing!!!

What about you? How can you relate?
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Here’s the thing, I loved Nature and I was very connected.

I loved people, Animals, plants, water… etc etc all the Creation

– and I did find it all beautiful

(just regular beautiful – not earth shaking beautiful ; )
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Well, everything was Beautiful;

Except me, that is.

*I* was not beautiful.
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And that was PAINFUL.

White Hot Painful – for layers of reasons.
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I HATED BEAUTY.

It was a STICK to Beat me with.

I HAD to be it.

I could NOT be it.
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So, I wasn’t a fan, understandably.

What about you? How can you relate?
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So let’s break this down a bit.
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I was a teenage grrl

(queer – what is relevant here is not cis-gendered)

In a society and a family that highly valued looking good

– in a Very Particular Way.
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To be ok in my family, my school, my relationship with my boyfriend, etc,

it would help me A LOT to live in the neighborhood of that ideal.
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My mother literally told me that I must be (model) beautiful

to be loved (i.e. by a husband-partner).
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BTW, of course, my mother is not a terrible person.
She was Trying to Help me.
Tell me her ‘truth’, our society’s ‘reality’.
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BUT

I wasn’t EVER gonna win that Game.
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I tried

and I didn’t try

– caught between trying to get what I needed

(i.e. love & validation)

and

– trying to be and do me

(not interested in playing the games of most grrls, not a model’s body)
..

But, I KNEW, I would NEVER win the Game

of look Right and Win the prizes (i.e. Love & Validation).
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So, HOW could it possibly be

that the STICK to Beat me with – BEAUTY;

was on par with

what was supposed to SAVE me,

bring meaning to my life…

another way to live that I COULD possibly be & do

-> Love & TRUTH?
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TRUTH = BEAUTY = TRUTH

That was CRAZY Talk.
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But,

Unexpectedly, Fortunately,

this has all worked out for me;

Miraculously, Gratefully.
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What about you? How can you relate?
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*** In my PHYSICAL Reality
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I have been blessed

with several amazing delicious extraordinary Partnerships

and a few other sweet Loves.
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And how I do ‘looking beautiful’ has not been a primary factor.

I have Loved Well, and been Loved Well.

Really, all of my Adult life.

Sometimes even called beautiful.

That is all a Gift, and a Healing.
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Actually in my now-long life,

the issue of healthy & fit

has been MUCH more central & challenging

than some ridiculous beauty ideal.
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Healthy & fit was not an issue in High School

– that was just a default – LOL – I was strong like bull.
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But, as an adult living with chronic illness for 3 decades,

that Really Shifts Priorities.
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Anyway,

I have healed a lot about this Beauty stuff, and much else,

but, there is still some pain in the depths.
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..
But, mostly, I am over it;

and I am continually more over it.

I have Much Bigger fish to fry.
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And, honestly, it helps me to give a wide-berth

to folks that judge – hard & harshly – primarily on how I look.
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What about you? How can you relate?
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*** In my Soul Reality, my soul PRACTICE:
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I learned to value, care-for, prioritize my body

– truly TREASURE

– like a child I love, like a companion animal I love, like a lover I love.
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I learned to release the expectations and desires of others,

the programming of our society,

so I am Much less DRIVEN by them.
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I learned to heal my wounds, tend my brokenness,

feed my needs, from INside-OUT.

So I don’t have to chase around OUT THERE

for the Love & Validation, as well as the Wisdom & Truth,

that fulfills me.
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I learned to live in the flow of Sacred Blessings,

eating & drinking Divine Qualities – from Heaven & Earth

– ie Joy & Peace, Light & Glory… and yes BEAUTY!

Until, I am not just Beholding & Reflecting them,

I am IDENTIFYING as them – together IN Beauty with ALL Creation.
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That’s a nice, neat full-circle, huh?
Well, it was often Not Nice, and Never, ever Neat; But,

I am Blessed and appreciate the Journey.
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To be practicing living IN Spiritual BLISS
is beyond my earlier hopes or expectations

(Particularly after so much BS : )
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What about you? How can you relate?
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