I HATED Beauty. But, I (eventually) learned: I was missing the Blessing.

I HATED Beauty.
It was a STICK to beat me with.  A Game I could Never WIN.
But, I (eventually) learned: I was missing the Blessing.
I was a Junior in High School
when I first encountered ‘on a Grecian Urn’ by John Keats,
and it drove me nuts:
Beauty is truth, truth beauty,— that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.


Let me back up and give some background:

I was an agnostic, “because I had enough humility not to be an atheist”.
I was ALL about LOVE, how to give & receive it, how to LIVE it.
I was ALL about TRUTH, how to find it, unpack it, grok it, LIVE it.
I was enamored with LOVE & TRUTH,
I thought this pair could save me;
help me live my most true, whole, delicious & contributive Life.
LOVE & TRUTH were gods to me.
I happily worshipped.
I read a lot, thought a lot, seeking Wisdom.
I collected quotes, aphorisms, insights…
Then I found this non-sense poem – ridiculous… wasn’t it?
This guy doesn’t make any sense! right?
Lots of folks thought he had something here, but it was absurd…
Well, it took the better part of a lifetime,
but I found Keats was Right.
It took me ~ a decade or so, to start to get it.
Another ~ decade or so, to get it.
Another ~ decade or so, to start to receive the Blessing.
Another ~ decade or so, to REALLY Delight in the Blessing!!!
What about you? How can you relate?
Here’s the thing, I loved Nature and I was very connected.
I loved people, Animals, plants, water… etc etc all the Creation
– and I did find it all beautiful
(just regular beautiful – not earth shaking beautiful ; )
Well, everything was Beautiful;
Except me, that is.
*I* was not beautiful.
And that was PAINFUL.
White Hot Painful – for layers of reasons.
It was a STICK to Beat me with.
I HAD to be it.
I could NOT be it.
So, I wasn’t a fan, understandably.
What about you? How can you relate?
So let’s break this down a bit.
I was a teenage grrl
(queer – what is relevant here is not cis-gendered)
In a society and a family that highly valued looking good
– in a Very Particular Way.
To be ok in my family, my school, my relationship with my boyfriend, etc,
it would help me A LOT to live in the neighborhood of that ideal.
My mother literally told me that I must be (model) beautiful
to be loved (i.e. by a husband-partner).
BTW, of course, my mother is not a terrible person.
She was Trying to Help me.
Tell me her ‘truth’, our society’s ‘reality’.
I wasn’t EVER gonna win that Game.
I tried
and I didn’t try
– caught between trying to get what I needed
(i.e. love & validation)
– trying to be and do me
(not interested in playing the games of most grrls, not a model’s body)
But, I KNEW, I would NEVER win the Game
of look Right and Win the prizes (i.e. Love & Validation).
So, HOW could it possibly be
that the STICK to Beat me with – BEAUTY;
was on par with
what was supposed to SAVE me,
bring meaning to my life…
another way to live that I COULD possibly be & do
-> Love & TRUTH?
That was CRAZY Talk.
Unexpectedly, Fortunately,
this has all worked out for me;
Miraculously, Gratefully.
What about you? How can you relate?
*** In my PHYSICAL Reality
I have been blessed
with several amazing delicious extraordinary Partnerships
and a few other sweet Loves.
And how I do ‘looking beautiful’ has not been a primary factor.
I have Loved Well, and been Loved Well.
Really, all of my Adult life.
Sometimes even called beautiful.
That is all a Gift, and a Healing.
Actually in my now-long life,
the issue of healthy & fit
has been MUCH more central & challenging
than some ridiculous beauty ideal.
Healthy & fit was not an issue in High School
– that was just a default – LOL – I was strong like bull.
But, as an adult living with chronic illness for 3 decades,
that Really Shifts Priorities.
I have healed a lot about this Beauty stuff, and much else,
but, there is still some pain in the depths.
I have overcome a lot,
but there is still sometimes self-consciousness relative to
societal expectations of how my body ‘should’ be
and is not, and how I ‘should’ present, and do not.
But, mostly, I am over it;
and I am continually more over it.
I have Much Bigger fish to fry.
And, honestly, it helps me to give a wide-berth
to folks that judge – hard & harshly – primarily on how I look.
What about you? How can you relate?
*** In my Soul Reality, my soul PRACTICE:
I learned to value, care-for, prioritize my body
– truly TREASURE
– like a child I love, like a companion animal I love, like a lover I love.
I learned to release the expectations and desires of others,
the programming of our society,
so I am Much less DRIVEN by them.
I learned to heal my wounds, tend my brokenness,
feed my needs, from INside-OUT.
So I don’t have to chase around OUT THERE
for the Love & Validation, as well as the Wisdom & Truth,
that fulfills me.
I learned to live in the flow of Sacred Blessings,
eating & drinking Divine Qualities – from Heaven & Earth
– ie Joy & Peace, Light & Glory… and yes BEAUTY!
Until, I am not just Beholding & Reflecting them,
I am IDENTIFYING as them – together IN Beauty with ALL Creation.
That’s a nice, neat full-circle, huh?
Well, it was often Not Nice, and Never, ever Neat; But,
I am Blessed and appreciate the Journey.
To be practicing living IN Spiritual BLISS
is beyond my earlier hopes or expectations
(Particularly after so much BS : )
What about you? How can you relate?
If you do relate, in your own way to this intense conversation:
– pain, shame in the physical
– actual or desired healing, delight in the soul
I would like to invite you to come as my guest,
(See first comment for details about how to come play with us)
– watch/ listen ~hour Convo with some friends & I, hear more about what we are talking about.
– join an ~hour learning & Practice session, get a Taste of what we are talking about, in Soul GYM.
Come PLAY, Regarding: what IS
in our realtionship with BEAUTY
– inside & outside ourselves –
and what is Possible for us
in our relationship with and appreciation of Beauty;
as well as Beauty within ourselves and with ALL Our Relations.
We are beginning an amazing Journey to last all month,
delving into the INside-OUT experience of Divine Beauty.
You are welcome to come try it out as my guest.
And if you choose to delve Deep,
your experience of Life may shift Deliciously.
May you savor your Own Unique Way.
May we each walk ever more IN Beauty,

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